Don't Pee On The Gift

Partnership

written by Riya Pabari·read time: 3 minutes

It’s 2PM on a Sunday. You’re exhausted from the hour you’ve just spent pretending to be a horse in the living room. Your littlest was up all night, again. You’ve got a big week at work ahead.

You look at your partner and say:

“I’m running on fumes over here, any chance I can grab a 30-minute power nap?”

“Sure.”

You’re not quite sure whether to interpret it as a Sure, my darling, take the rest you need or a Sure, do you need a full 30 minutes, aren’t power naps meant to be 20 minutes?

Now’s not the time to probe. Take the window whilst you have it.

You draw the blinds and pull your eye mask down. Oh it feels good to be horizontal and not have a human hanging off you.

Your eyelids are heavy. You feel the sweet haze of drowsiness wash over you as drift off into a deep slumber.

And then you hear your phone buzz loudly on the bedside table.

It’s your partner.

“What’s the password for Disney+?”

Terrence Real, one of the world’s best-known couples therapists, has a technical term for this seemingly-innocent-but-heinous text.

He calls it:

Peeing on the gift.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all been the perpetrator and the victim.

That time you tell your partner to enjoy a bath, but make no attempt to stop your toddler barging in and cannonballing plastic fish into the tub
That time you offer to take the baby out for a stroll, then send a barrage of questions about how to make the bottle
That time you say yes to the work dinner, then proceed to give a running commentary via WhatsApp about how terribly bedtime is going
That time you green light a weekend away with friends, then bring it up in every argument for the next three months
That time your partner goes to a 45-minute gym class, and you text them after 43 minutes asking how much longer they’re going to be

The point Real is making isn’t that we should become martyrs and always take one for the team. It’s that if we say yes (no is always a legitimate response), we should give it freely and fully.

The reason I think this is such a pertinent reminder for us as parents is that parenthood triggers one of the most intense seasons of our lives. It has famously been referred to as “the rush hour of life”. The irony of course is that rush hour usually ends after an hour. This one can last a decade.

To have a nap, to go to the gym, to feel present at a work dinner, to enjoy an uninterrupted meal with friends really are gifts. Gifts not just to ourselves, but to our families. Because we always return a better version of ourselves.

Now, of course, whilst it doesn’t need to be symmetrical, it does need to feel reciprocal. Otherwise it’s really hard not to want to pee on the gift.

But here’s another piece of advice from Terry Real that I like:

“While you cannot directly control either your partner or your relationship, you may be able to influence them both by experimenting with radical moves of your own.”

Put another way, you might be one radical move away from interrupting the pattern in your relationship and igniting an upward spiral of generosity in your home.

So, if your partner asks for a nap this weekend, I dare you to try a radical new move of your own.

You don’t need the Disney+ password, don’t send the text. Get the LEGO out instead.

Better still, go one step further:

“Go and recharge, my love. I know you’ve got a big week ahead.”

Then lean in for a kiss — ideally six seconds or more, they say.

And enjoy the person they return as.

To paraphrase Terry Real:

Don’t pee on the gift. Wrap a bow on it instead.

Here are some of the most generous words you will ever hear from and say to your partner during parenthood:

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it.”

“Switch off your phone. You deserve a break.”

“Stay for another drink. We’re good here.”

That little bow you wrap on the gift might just be one of the greatest acts of love there is in this season of life.

Have a brilliant weekend,

Riya

Don't Pee On The Gift

Partnership

written by Riya Pabari·read time: 3 minutes

It’s 2PM on a Sunday. You’re exhausted from the hour you’ve just spent pretending to be a horse in the living room. Your littlest was up all night, again. You’ve got a big week at work ahead.

You look at your partner and say:

“I’m running on fumes over here, any chance I can grab a 30-minute power nap?”

“Sure.”

You’re not quite sure whether to interpret it as a Sure, my darling, take the rest you need or a Sure, do you need a full 30 minutes, aren’t power naps meant to be 20 minutes?

Now’s not the time to probe. Take the window whilst you have it.

You draw the blinds and pull your eye mask down. Oh it feels good to be horizontal and not have a human hanging off you.

Your eyelids are heavy. You feel the sweet haze of drowsiness wash over you as drift off into a deep slumber.

And then you hear your phone buzz loudly on the bedside table.

It’s your partner.

“What’s the password for Disney+?”

Terrence Real, one of the world’s best-known couples therapists, has a technical term for this seemingly-innocent-but-heinous text.

He calls it:

Peeing on the gift.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all been the perpetrator and the victim.

That time you tell your partner to enjoy a bath, but make no attempt to stop your toddler barging in and cannonballing plastic fish into the tub
That time you offer to take the baby out for a stroll, then send a barrage of questions about how to make the bottle
That time you say yes to the work dinner, then proceed to give a running commentary via WhatsApp about how terribly bedtime is going
That time you green light a weekend away with friends, then bring it up in every argument for the next three months
That time your partner goes to a 45-minute gym class, and you text them after 43 minutes asking how much longer they’re going to be

The point Real is making isn’t that we should become martyrs and always take one for the team. It’s that if we say yes (no is always a legitimate response), we should give it freely and fully.

Now, of course, whilst it doesn’t need to be symmetrical, it does need to feel reciprocal. Otherwise it’s really hard not to want to pee on the gift.

But here’s another piece of advice from Terry Real that I like:

“While you cannot directly control either your partner or your relationship, you may be able to influence them both by experimenting with radical moves of your own.”

Put another way, you might be one radical move away from interrupting the pattern in your relationship and igniting an upward spiral of generosity in your home.

So, if your partner asks for a nap this weekend, I dare you to try a radical new move of your own.

You don’t need the Disney+ password, don’t send the text. Get the LEGO out instead.

Better still, go one step further:

“Go and recharge, my love. I know you’ve got a big week ahead.”

Then lean in for a kiss — ideally six seconds or more, they say.

And enjoy the person they return as.

To paraphrase Terry Real:

Don’t pee on the gift. Wrap a bow on it instead.

Here are some of the most generous words you will ever hear from and say to your partner during parenthood:

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it.”

“Switch off your phone. You deserve a break.”

“Stay for another drink. We’re good here.”

That little bow you wrap on the gift might just be one of the greatest acts of love there is in this season of life.

Have a brilliant weekend,

Riya