The Family-Focused Family

What kind of family do you want to be?

A few months ago, I was listening to an interview with Brené Brown.

Near the end, she said something that made me think deeply about this question.

She said:

“There are Kid-Focused Families, Parent-Focused Families, and Family-Focused Families. We’re a Family-Focused Family.”

She went on to give an example:

“So that means that if you want to do water polo, eagle scouts, tennis, and skeet shooting, then that comes to the family. And the family agrees what will keep the family healthy.
​
Let’s say I’ve got a book launch… Steve’s got patients… so what works for our family right now is you can do 2 extra curriculars, and I’m going to have a 2-week tour not a 4-week tour. But we put the family as the system that we serve.”

On the surface, this sounds like ordinary family logistics. Calendar management. Scheduling compromises. The usual chaos of modern parenthood.

But it was the philosophy that lay beneath the decision-making process that struck me as powerful:

“We put the family as the system that we serve.”

It’s such a beautiful framing of a system that aligns the needs of the individual and the needs of the collective.

The thing is, I don’t think many of us set out to be:

• Kid-Focused Families: optimising for kids, at the expense of parents
• Parent-Focused Families: optimising for parents, at the expense of kids

But it can just kind of happen.

The strange thing is that modern culture often pulls us towards the dark end of both extremes at the same time.

So what does it mean to be a Family-Focused Family?

More than a decision-making framework, it feels like an identity. A commitment to being the kind of family where it feels obvious to make choices that:

• Protect each other — so no one gets lost in the system
• Nurture each other — so everyone flies higher in the long game of life

Let’s think about what this might look like in practice.

Imagine a simple Venn diagram that represents a 3-person family — one circle per person.

Everything inside a circle gives that person energy. Everything outside depletes it.

I think being a Family-Focused Family comes down to 3 core practices:

I. Eliminate the dead zones.

This is the easy win.

These are the things that give no one energy. They are often the “shoulds” that creep into our lives influenced by societal expectations.

Examples might include:

• That class at 8AM on a Sunday that your kid is not developmentally ready for.
• That wedding that you don’t want to go to and your kids are not invited to.
• That school that is top of the tables but not quite right for your kid and a 1-hour commute.
• That city where you both don’t enjoy your jobs and good childcare is prohibitively expensive.

II. Expand the zones of overlap.

This is where the magic lives.

These are the things that energise more than one person. Some overlaps are obvious, some may surprise you. Discover, protect and ritualise them.

Examples might include:

• Investing in friendships with families where you also love hanging out with the parents.
• Rediscovering your favourite childhood sport with your kid who happens to love it too.
• Creating family rituals around things you all enjoy e.g. The Annual Family Glamping Trip.
• Taking that sabbatical you’ve always dreamed of whilst your kids are still pre-school.

III. Honour the individual zones, all of them.

This is the hard part.

Whilst living in the overlap might feel like the answer, it’s not the full answer. We all have parts of ourselves that crave to be nourished beyond our family lives.

But it is so easy for this part to feel like a zero-sum game, either between you and your kids, or you and your partner:

If you win, I lose.

If I win, you lose.

I think the Family-Focused Family flips the script to:

If you win, I win.

If I win, you win.

It means creating a family culture where it is normal for each member of the family to do two things:

1. Reframe what you might see as sacrifice into service: if you win, I win.
2. Know yourself and help your family to give you what you need: if I win, you win.

Examples might include:

• Giving and asking for guilt-free space to work out on the weekend.
• Figuring out a solution for a stay-at-home parent to take a course to fuel their next chapter.
• Sharing with your kids that you’re away for a few nights to celebrate your anniversary.
• Finding joy in reading your kid’s favourite book to them for the 100th time!

The long game of life

If you fast forward the clock ten years from now, what do you hope to see?

I think for most of us it’s the same picture — a thriving family. Your kids are thriving. Your partner is thriving. And you are thriving.

As Marcus Aurelius once wrote:

“That which is not good for the swarm is not good for the bee.”

So the next time a family decision feels impossible, like an inevitable win-lose, I invite you to try a different question:

How do we put the family as the system that we serve?

Sometimes it will mean saying no.

Sometimes it will mean finding more overlap.

And sometimes it will mean backing one person wholeheartedly.

You may find the answer comes more easily than you think.

Not because the decision is simple, but because the question is.

Until next week,

Riya