Yours, Mine, Ours

My husband and I were married for 6 years before we had a joint bank account.

Before we had children, there was no real catalyst for us to merge our finances.

Sure, we made life goals together, and money was part of the conversation. But we were fairly equal earners, spending within our means, so our system of separate accounts ran relatively smoothly.

And then we had kids.

The Family P&L

It turns out parents are almost 2X more likely to fight about money than non-parents.

On first glance, the reason might feel obvious: it’s because you have less of it. Kids are expensive pursuits. (A quarter of a million pounds to be precise, and that’s before they discover skiing.)

But interestingly, the research doesn’t fully back this up.

It’s too simplistic to say that when money troubles lead to relationship troubles it’s because there isn’t enough of it.

At the heart of money fights are two things: fairness and responsibility.

Parenthood introduces a whole new set of tripwires around both, on each side of The Family P&L:

• The Expenditure Side: Suddenly, you have all these new joint expenses. Your partner wants one of those prams with the fur-lined interiors, you’re good with a YoYo. Your partner is still spending £250/month on that gym membership with the infrared sauna, wouldn’t that be better spent on nursery fees?
• The Income Side: Suddenly, things feel more complicated, more intertwined. One of you decides to make a career shift to be more present with the kids. The new imbalance feels strange to both of you, but you’re a team right?

This doesn’t bode well given the #1 predictor of divorce isn’t arguments about sex, children or the in-laws (though this might depend on your in-laws). It’s arguments about money.

Money, Money, Money

Money. It’s such a multilayered topic. Money isn’t just a financial resource, it’s deeply entangled with our sense of identity, security and self-worth.

My Instagram feed tells me at least once a day that money is energy, I’ve started to believe it.

But I think one of the most useful places to start is with the practical: how do we organise our finances day to day.

You know that saying:

Show me your calendar, and I’ll tell you what you value.

I think there should probably be an analogous one:

Show me a couple’s bank accounts, and I’ll tell you about their relationship.

James Sexton, one of the world’s best-known divorce lawyers, who has facilitated the demise of 1000+ unhappy marriages, advocates a financial system that he thinks will keep you out of his office.

It is surprisingly simple. He calls it:

The Yours, Mine, and Ours Financial System

In simple terms, you create 3 pots of money:

• Yours: Money that’s yours to manage + spend.
• Mine: Money that’s mine to manage + spend.
• Ours: Money we manage collectively, for our shared expenses + goals.

Expenses that benefit the family come out of Ours.

Yours + Mine, meanwhile, give you the autonomy and privacy to spend on things you value individually, without having to disclose every purchase to your partner (including a purchase your partner might consider frivolous).

The beauty of the system is that it balances two things that might seem contradictory: freedom and transparency.

It is built precisely to maximise freedom while preventing lack of transparency.

Since having kids, we’ve experimented with various versions of this system.

I really like it as an organising principle.

Though how you put it into practice is where things get interesting.

Here are 4 design decisions I’ve found are worth thinking through:

1. Direction: Which way does the money flow?

There are two ways to approach this:

• Yours + Mine → Ours: We each receive our income individually, then contribute an agreed amount to our shared pot.
• Ours → Yours + Mine: We treat our income as a shared resource, then allocate an agreed amount to each of our personal pots.

Mechanically, they can look similar. Philosophically, they can feel quite different. It’s worth reflecting on which approach feels right for your relationship.

2. Distribution: How much goes where?

Here are some alternative ways to approach this:

• Equal: We contribute (or receive) equal amounts.
• Proportional to income: We contribute (or receive) amounts proportional to our earnings.
• Based on needs: We allocate amounts according to our individual needs.
• Based on what’s available: We cover our shared commitments first, then divide what’s left.

And what if one partner isn’t earning?

This is where I think parenthood requires a fundamental shift in how we think about financial contributions.

Often, one partner can only be out earning because the other is managing the mental load of running the household and taking care of the kids.

Personally, I’ve sometimes found it helpful to put a monetary value on the unpaid work that goes into running a family. Not because I think that’s what it’s worth, but because it helps make an otherwise invisible contribution visible.

But maybe the more important point is that contributions come in many forms. Some of the most valuable things in life will never appear on a spreadsheet.

Wherever you land, the only thing that matters is that it feels fair to both of you.

3. Governance: Who decides what?

One of the most important principles of the Yours, Mine, and Ours system is that both partners are in-the-loop.

It’s so easy for one person to become “the money person”. In fact that’s how it typically plays out for 90% of couples.

It’s usually the primary earner who takes on this role, often out of care—so as not to burden their partner.

Big mistake.

Money is an enabler for the life you want to create together. It’s something you both need to be involved with.

One person can still handle the finances, but you both need to talk about them together.

But you won’t agree on everything.

What if I love luxury hotels more than you? Maybe I fund the difference from my individual pot.

What if I want to splash on a new AI-powered cooling mattress from the joint account? (True story.) Maybe we have a rule that a spend above £X requires a heads-up, or even a green light, from the other.

Some of these approaches might feel overly transactional to you. Find solutions that feel natural to your relationship dynamic.

4. Infrastructure: How many accounts do we need?

Three pots doesn’t mean three bank accounts.

Your shared pot might include a current account, savings account and investment accounts.

Your individual pots might each include a current account, savings account and a credit card.

The goal is to have enough sophistication to maximise financial wellbeing whilst minimising the number of accounts.

Simplicity is king. Now’s the time to streamline your accounts and make sure you know all your passwords.

Pooled money, less problems?

I’ve spent much of my career in startupland, so perhaps it’s unsurprising that I think of becoming parents as the moment my husband and I went from being partners to co-founders of a family.

Building something bigger than ourselves, together.

Opening a shared bank account and reorganising our finances might sound like a purely administrative exercise, but it was an expression of the changing shape of our partnership.

The research is compelling: combining finances produces better outcomes for married couples.

But how we each choose to do that is deeply personal.

What matters is that both of you feel connected, that you’re working towards shared goals, and that you have skin in the game.

So I’ll leave you with one question:

Does the way you manage your money reflect the partnership you’re trying to build?

Have a wonderful weekend,

Riya